I have my back

Pooed myself on the white sofa this morning.

Jacob brought me a cup of tea (with oat milk), I got up, feeling shell-shocked from last night’s uncharacteristic tears, and sat under the duvet on the sofa.

Jacob: ‘I need to go to the bathroom, will you be okay?’

Moi: (Feeling absolutely okay), I'm fine you go.

After about a minute, I am not okay, waves of heat radiate through my body and a cramp hits my lower abdomen, I breathe deeply, counting each breath, telling myself I will make it, he will be out soon, he will be cross - because he asked, because he will feel he has put me in discomfort, because I said I was fine. I can’t hold it in.

I jump up and run into the kitchen (laminate floor not carpet), I pull my pants off as dark brown matter leaves me, I throw the pants in the bin and find a wet wipe to clean my legs. I use an old tea towel to clean up the floor and throw that and my nice pants into the bin, I go back into the living room and see a stain of dark brown and mucous where I was sat on the white sofa - ‘shit’- literally.

I wipe it off with an antibacterial wipe.

Jacob comes out of the bathroom and catches me naked from the waist down. I run into the bathroom.

‘I asked you if you were okay’, his voice trails after me.

I say nothing and sit on the toilet.

Relieved, I emerge and take the cushion from the sofa, spray bleach on the brown spot and put the cover in the washing machine.

I empty the kitchen bin, with my pooey pants and soiled tea towel, double bag it and knot it tightly.

I run a quick bath and jump in.

I wash and get dressed, a grey vest top and my wraparound Indian skirt in turquoise and royal blues. My hair is wavy from the plaits I wore yesterday.

I clean my teeth looking in the mirror, and spot the lump under my jaw on the righthand side. I close my mouth, my jawline is still there, thank goodness - the lump is not fully back yet.

I decide to start a blog.

I tell myself: I have my back, I can do this. I will look after you. I am beautiful. I take a selfie from above - flattering angle, then one in the mirror - flattering mirror.

Jacob goes out for a walk.

I write this.