Fuck it.

I go to the local library to meet with a Citizen’s Advice advisor about my debts, mainly credit card and mainly borrowed to pay off other shortfalls, they have mounted over the years and although I manage them, it would be amazing to get some advice about a plausible way out.

I am 8th in the queue, we all fill out forms with name and address, some people leave. I look through a copy of The Stage, a couple ask advice about taking the building company who worked on their house to court.

Eventually it is me, a nice young guy takes a few more details and tries to make an appointment with a debt advisor, only there are no appointments. We swap numbers and he says he will contact me with an appointment date for next month.

I’ve eaten nothing, so feel no urgency to rush to a loo and make it home uneventfully.

Once home and safe, I go to the toilet, it’s basically brown wee, but out of my arse.

Jacob takes Jasper and I for lunch, I have Thai red tofu curry with white rice and vegetarian spring rolls plus dipping sauce, all bad for my colitis, but I’m still in 'fuck it’ mode.

Home, another brown bottom wee and my tummy starts to make growling noise an hour later.

My feet are really dry, I massage in some Flexitol 25% Urea Cream that we have just bought for Jasper’s foot eczema.

I know it is not just one thing that puts me ‘in flare’ - which is what colitis is called when it is active.

Mine has been dormant for about three years, all through counselling, thyroid cancer, jaw lumps, Jacob’s step-mum freaking out and calling the Spanish Civil Guard on us, Jacob’s mother freaking out because her son was dying, my beautiful best friend, Fiona committing suicide, after her younger sister had brutally killed her mother, Jacob’s older brother dying from cancer, Jacob’s beautiful friend Miguel dying suddenly from an undiagnosed heart condition, me taking anti-depressants, me coming off anti-depressants, Jacob self-medicating cocaine and alcohol on a regular basis, my beautiful sister having a boob removed and being treated for breast cancer. All that, yes ALL THAT.

 I guess a colitis flare up as well would have been too much.